Rabbi Stiefel's Monthly Article

Rabbi Sharon Stiefel

Current October 2024

Forgiveness: A Daily Practice

            “Holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison and thinking it’s going to kill the other person.” This quotation has been attributed to many, including Nelson Mandela. No matter who originally coined the phrase, it’s one of my favorite statements about the importance of forgiveness.

            I sometimes hear from people who toss and turn at night because of their anger at what another individual has said or has done to them. Maybe they believe that no one should get away with what that person did. Or they threaten to never talk to this person again. From the bitterness spewing out, I recognize the deep hurt that has occurred.

            Could there be another way? Much psychological research has been done about the benefits of forgiving. When we achieve forgiveness, we let go of the bitterness that may have kept us stuck in the past.  We are lighter and can fill our thoughts with love and kindness.

            Our tradition actually has a daily prayer that urges us to rid ourselves of the poison eating us from within. Called The Bedtime Shema, it adds to the familiar text of the Shema. Within this prayer are words written by Rabbi Isaac Luria, a 16th century mystic from Safed, that are designed to help us let go of resentment that may have built up during the day. This passage is to be said nightly prior to going to bed.  These words offer the antidote to churning with dreams of revenge. 

Behold, I now forgive whoever has provoked my anger or annoyance,

whoever has done wrong to me, whether to my body or my spirit, or to my honor, or to all that may belong to me. whether willingly, or inadvertently, or by design,

whether by speech or deed –let no one suffer punishment on my account.

Within Judaism there are debates as to whether one should forgive someone who has not asked for forgiveness. The tradition leans towards the importance of the person who has caused us wrong needing to do teshuvah, that is, repentance. Teshuvah comes from the Hebrew root meaning turning, the concept of turning oneself around and repairing what has been broken. In advance of Yom Kippur, it is traditional for people to ask those they may have offended for forgiveness.

Many of our texts argue that we aren’t obligated to forgive anyone unless they have asked us for forgiveness, recognized the harm they have done and made amends so that it will not be repeated. While we may not be obligated to forgive, we can still choose to forgive. Obviously, Rabbi Luria wrote the words for The Bedtime Shema because he saw the merit of cleaning the slate every night. I believe he recognized that when a person forgives another, even without the wrongdoer requesting it, we develop our ability to be compassionate and empathetic. And while we often look outward toward another’s behavior, forgiving ourselves is also part of the equation. Sometimes our own high expectations may keep us stuck. We need to acknowledge our own fallibility and understand that we are only human.

May our celebration of the High Holidays help us to harness the power of forgiveness and let it guide us not only at this season but every day.